News Item: Interview with - Osama Bin Laden, Saving The Planet One Martyr at a Time.
(Category: Funny Stuff!)
Posted by R.Danneskjöld
Sunday 31 January 2010 - 18:47:11

Our resident pirate, Ragnar Danneskjöld, interviews Osama Bin Laden regarding his new campaign to educate the world about global warming, no surprise that he blames America.
No Longer Supported

My name is Ragnar Danneskjöld. Normally I'm a pirate, not any 'old pirate, but a pirate for freedom and free markets. My crew and I take on socialist governments, robbing them when possible, destroying their ill gotten gains where we find them. But recently I was contacted by none other than Osama Bin Laden who has promised transparency in his new cause, man-made global warming, he wanted me to grant me an interview. The interview was to coincide with his recently released audio tape blaming the western world for global warming, destroying the planet, and starving the children (honestly, I thought socialist and current King of global warming, Al Gore, was playing a joke on me).

My apocryphal interview with Bin Laden occurred on January 30th, 2010 at a secret location far away from the western world. In order to see the infamous Bin Laden I had to anchor my ship near Djibouti, Somalia and wait for Somalia pirates to take me on a long arduous trip. Being a pirate myself they treated me with the same respect they would treat any fellow pirate. One might think this would mean rum and frivolity. But even pirates don't trust pirates, so I was taken below deck and locked in a small room for three days, with little to eat and absolutely no rum. No matter, I knew the interview would be worth it.

Once we arrived at what I believe was the coast of Pakistan I was blindfolded for a series of long, uncomfortable trips that involved truck, car, and horse. After 3 days I arrived at what I would call a dung hut, where I was told I would soon meet the infamous Osama Bin Laden. This meeting occurred the following day when he arrived buried under a wagon full of freshly cut poppies that kept his lanky frame from being seen by American satellites. What follows is my interview.

Ragnar: Hello Mr. Bin Laden, my name is Ragnar Danneskjöld, it is good to meet you.

Bin Laden: American scum, I should have you killed immediately!

Ragnar: Wait, wait, I'm not American! I'm from Norway!

Bin Laden: Oh yes, where they have those beautiful fjords, I love those. You know some day the oceans will rise so high that those fjords will disappear. Norway, yes I think I also read in National Geographic that global warming is killing the Lemmings of Norway! That is awful! My movement needs lemmings! Lemmings are highly symbolic of those that will follow me and save the world from the capitalist pigs and infidels! This saddens me greatly.

Ragnar: Mr. Bin Laden you....

Bin Laden: Ragnar, if I can call you that, just call me Osama. Or, if you prefer, you can call me "The Great and Powerful Martyr For The Oppressed Children of Allah and his Planet Mohamed Gia"

Ragnar: Ok..... Osama it is. Osama you seem to know a lot about global warming. Recently you recorded an audio tape blaming the U.S. for global warming. You said that the only way to stop global warming is to "break the American economy" and you called for a boycott of American products. Can you explain your position.

Bin Laden: I would be happy to. My followers and I have lived in caves and dung huts for many years now. While the fat Americans like Al Gore live in their McMansions and destroy the planet by breathing!

Ragnar: By breathing?

Bin Laden: Yes, breathing!! The filthy white pigs breath too much. Any scientist can tell you that when Americans, and other infidels, breath in the clean air that Allah gave to the Muslim world the pigs breath out hot dirty CO2. Because it is so hot it warms the planet. If we kill all Americans the planet will be as cool as the blessed caves of Tora Bora!

Ragnar: ooohhhh kaayy. That's not the way I've heard it but lets move on. Can I ask you why you think you are qualified to talk on the subject of global warming?

Bin Laden: You infidel! You dare to doubt me! In matters such as this one must have faith!

Ragnar: Yes, yes, I understand, I just thought you might like to tell the world, scientifically, why they should follow your beliefs. After all there are still some people that are not yet your faithful followers.

Bin Laden: Hummm... perhaps I will let you live. Right now the western world follows that fat American pig named Al Gore. They believe everything he says on global warming, yet he only has a degree in government {at this point Bin Laden violently spits at the ground }. I have a degree in engineering. I have millions of followers who clap and cheer when they watch me on the Arab TV network Al-Jazeera. I live in unheated caves, Al Gore lives in mansions that use a million times more electricity than my peasant followers. I ride horses and donkeys, Al Gore rides first class in jet air planes. Who do you think the people should listen to on global warming, me, or Al Gore?

Ragnar: um, ah, well, I guess, since you have an engineering degree and sound like you walk the talk. Okay, lets move on. You stated in your audio piece that corporations "are the true criminals against the global climate" and are to blame for the global economic crisis. What did you mean by that?

Bin Laden: The cause of global warming is capitalism {again he spits violently}. Everyone knows that capitalism {spit} causes global warming, there is no debate, the debate is over! Capitalism {spit} is the main evil of the world.

This is why I allowed you to interview me, you are a pirate. Pirates steal from large corporations.

Ragnar: Well, sort of, um actually as a pirate I..... well never mind, its hard to explain. Lets just say I mostly steal from the government and give it back to the people they stole it from.

Bin Laden: I think I like that. So you help the poor and oppressed?

Ragnar: Um, ah, lets move on shall we? In regards to corporations you're quoted as saying "Boycott them to save yourselves and your possessions and your children from climate change and to live proud and free." This sounds very much like the liberal American left, like the socialists and environmentalists. Do you have any connections with them?

Bin Laden: {no longer making eye contact} No, it is all a coincidence! But some day they will all willing bow to me, and not those fake socialist wannabes that many American's follow today.

Ragnar: You also said "Noam Chomsky [the US academic, anti-capitalist, socialist] was correct when he compared the US policies to those of the Mafia." Noam Chomsky endorsed Obama for President. Do you support Barack Obama?

Bin Laden: NO {spit}, what change has he brought? America is still mostly capitalist {spit} and though he is moving that swine country closer to true socialism it is still in the hands of corporations. Obama also betrayed his teachings at the madrassa. I do not support Obama, someday he, and all of America, will bow to me.

Ragnar: But day in and day out we hear the left in America speaking out against large corporations and saying that corporations oppress the poor. They tell people to stop believing in the "false hope of capitalism" and to cut those bonds of oppression by living in unheated and darkened homes without the modern trappings of electronic devices that produce CO2. How do you feel about that?

Bin Laden: I like the way these people talk, but they do not go far enough. I think the American left would love Tora Bora and the caves of Afghanistan. It sounds like we fight for the same things and ask for the same sacrifices. They should join us. Here we have no electricity, no running water, we eat cold natural foods, we live in a sustainable community with no help from corporations, will kill those that disagree with us to reduce our carbon footprint even more. Yes, I think many of the American left would like it here.

Ragnar: Humm, maybe you are right. Um, I mean left. Um, I mean that perhaps you are correct, many of the extreme environmentalists probably would love your lifestyle. Another thing you said in your audio piece is that America is "in the thrall of major corporations". Do you read the Daily Kos blog?

Bin Laden: Why of course! All socialists and terrorists read the Daily Kos blog. Why do you ask?

Ragnar: Oh, no reason. You also said "the phenomenon (of global warming) is an actual fact", it sounds like you are stealing Al Gore's material.

Bin Laden: {spit} No, Al Gore stole that from me! I said it years ago. When I was in Afghanistan it was very hot and it lasted for over a week. My men tried to argue with me that these temperatures were normal, I told them "No, the global warming is an actual fact!" Al Gore must have heard about it through his CIA spies when he was Vice President.

Ragnar: You have said that U.S. policies and the policy makers are the "true terrorists and therefore we should refrain from dealing in the U.S. dollar and should try to get rid of this currency as early as possible." If the world stops using the American Dollar, and other western currencies, for trade what do you propose they use?

Bin Laden: Carbon Credits of course!

Ragnar: Osama, I would to thank you for the interview. I'm sure those people that have continued to believe Al Gore's hoax will be very happy to hear what you've said.

I left on my long torturous trip back to my ship very confused, even though I only had one question on my mind. If Bin Laden gets his way will I be able to offset my ship's CO2 emissions by the amount of time it spends under sail?

-- Ragnar Danneskjöld, Pirating for Freedom




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